Category Archives: No recipe

I Forgot

I forgot, for a few days, to do anything real. I floated around in a daze of celebration.

 (Grapefruit juice, fizzy water… and knowing me, like a 60/40 chance of gin.)

I was celebrating my new baking program, the fact that the season of mass produced banana bread was behind us and the simple rare gift of a few glorious days off.

In retrospect, my celebration consisted largely of me sitting in sun warmed grass and laughing at bros playing (really intense) frisbee.

I think my subconscious parts were trying to give me that bear hyber-nation* style load of summeryness that I’m not gonna have time for now.

And damned if I didn’t forget I was gonna lose all of these days.

I can’t quite make it to my favorite farmer’s market anymore. I forgot to say goodbye to the stand with the best tomatoes I’ve ever tasted.

I could cry.

 I forgot to write down how this stout and mustard braised pork happened. Forgot about soft buttery cabbage and creamy mashed potatoes.

My brain is full of holes.

I keep forgetting to write at you wonderful people.

I forgot to make a big enough lunch… which is really code for ‘I forgot to not eat my lunch for breakfast’.

Real life.

I’m a hungry lady.

I forgot to pay my bus fair this morning.

Ok, I didn’t forget.

I just didn’t want to. Yay, unobservant drivers!

I forgot to buy beer.

Shambles. My life is in shambles.

Who wants to be stuck drinking Jack and Gingers?**

… Me, actually. But variety is the spice of life/hangovers and I like to keep my options open.

 I keep forgetting not to aggressively stuff my face with this speculoos stuff. (It’s cookie butter. And though both of it’s names sound gross and fucked up, it’s really only one of those things. And it’s vegan. What? Twist. It’s like peanut butter made of cookies. So, crack.)

I forgot to look at my damn clock last night and ended up going to sleep… for a grand total of about four hours.

Seriously. My brain is slipping***.

But I think, even if I tried, I couldn’t possibly forget how to make curry.

Now, I don’t think I’m particularly authentic about… well, any of my cooking. I tend to just use whatever needs using. Which usually leads to ‘fusion’ food. But it’s usually delicious fusion food.

My better curries start in a blender.

What?

Yeah.

Truth.

Well, ok, there’s a little prep before that. But. Blender.****

Important stuff.

I’m not gonna give you a recipe for curry. See, I have this problem where I just dump in unknown quantities of things. ‘Cause I do what I want.

I’ll make more curry soon… and I’ll take notes. It’ll be awesome.

But I’ll tell you a secret now: after you blend all the super flavory sauce stuff (onions, garlic, ginger, peppers, tomatoes, spices, etc), cook it, by itself, in a tbsp or two of olive oil until it looks like food****

It’s a counter-intuitive process but the results are memorable. Even for someone like me.

*Poop plug. Summer poop plug.

Yeah, I ate some corn.

I’m sorry I’m so gross.

**Anywhere from a 1:2 to a 1:1 ration of Jack Daniels:Reed’s Ginger Beer. Deloicious. Add a little lemon juice if you’re feeling fancy.

***… slippin’ slippin’. Into the future.

****Ha. Butt blender.

****And/or diarrhea.

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Filed under Drinks, Grapefruit, No recipe, Uncategorized

Basics

A cooking basic:

-Get your pan hot before you put anything in it. Then put in your fat and let that get hot. Then add other, foodier stuff.

Some life basics:

-Don’t try to substitute coffee for sleep. It’ll make you too regular.*

-Eat protein. I’ve been running around tasting cookies and cakes and doing the physical labor that is baking and forgetting to eat enough real food. Basically, I just need to pack two lunches.

-If you want a bus to come, get someone to light a cigarette. If you want something to go on sale, buy it now… and again, when it’s on sale next week.

The universe is all about schadenfreude.

-When riding your bike in a busy street and see this:

… pull over and take a picture.

That’s a dude on a bike, holding a parrot.

What.

-When in doubt, fry an egg.

 With quickly sauteed flowering kale, garlic and avocado toast that shit is dinner.

Apparently egg frying isn’t something everyone gets taught at home. What? Twist.**

Eggs are totally the cooking and life basics of my childhood.

Thanks mom!

Let’s do a quick run through of the different kinds of fried eggs.

–Over Hard- fun to say, somewhat difficult to eat if you have an aversion to the slightly chalky texture that a fully cooked yolk can take on. This egg is cooked on both sides until the yolk is firm and the whites aren’t snotty.***

I ate these, by choice, for years.

Cray, I know.

–Over Medium- my current fried egg of choice as this egg is cooked on both sides, till no egg white snot remains and the yolk thickens to a runny custard consistency.

–Over Easy- this egg is cooked on both sides, but removed almost immediately after it’s flipped as the yolk is meant to be very runny.

–Sunny Side Up- the prettiest of the fried eggs, the sunny side up egg (I feel like I’m on a game show now. Everyone picture Vanna White with me) is cooked only on one side. This is the hardest egg to do right. By ‘do right’ I mean cook until the white is set but the yolk is still runny all the way through. This egg requires patience or a desire to eat squicky egg white snot.

I have little of either of those.

 But sometimes my pan gets sticky and I get too scared to flip my eggs. And then I cheat by throwing hot fat all over the place.

It happens.

#Only all of us can prevent grease fires.

On top of mac and cheese with bacon and caramelized onions, the terror I feel about this egg is washed away in a cloud of delicious artery death.

It was kinda awesome. No bigs.

Go make an egg!

You’ll need:

A hot skillet

Butter

To wait until that butter is hot

An egg, cracked onto that hot butter in that hot skillet

Salt and pepper, hot sauce, fancy pants herbs and spices, whatever floats your egg boat

Maybe a spatula if you’re gonna flip it, maybe not if your pan isn’t straight sided and a speedy flick of your wrist will do the job

Maybe a spoon if you want a sunny side up egg but want to cheat a little by spooning hot fat on top of your egg to make sure the white cooks through

Maybe cheese

Probably cheese

And a fork or ‘bread utensil’

Did I miss anything?

Good luck, people!****

*Everybody poops.

Did you know there’s an Everybody Farts book too?

**Schools, seriously, bring back home ec.

***Snotty whites=runny, not solid or cooked through=higher risk of salmonella. Salmonella is a thing that can food poison your insides. It’s good to avoid, but the risk in eggs is relatively low.

****Sorry if you’re not into eggs or are some kind of eggspert.

And now I’m sorry I put ‘eggspert’ onto you, Internet.

Yikes.

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Filed under Bacon, Basics, Breakfast, Fried Egg, Green, Home ec, Instructional, No recipe

Something Hot

I feel like we’re in between six* different seasons right now. I know, the Bay Area is mad fickle but… maybe I forgot. Maybe it got old, maybe I got used to our near rainless winter and expected the seasons to have simply swapped time frames. Whatever the reason behind my confusion, it’s annoying. I don’t know what to wear and more importantly, I can’t tell if I want a salad.

I love salads. But I don’t think it’s hot enough yet. I think I need to feel my teeth sweat before I’ll be ready to sink them into cold wedges of ice berg covered in homemade ranch, or tender purple red leaves sprinkled with blue cheese and surrounded by a harsh vinaigrette. Salads make me want to sit on warm, itchy grass and drink Arnold Palmers. I guess I’m waiting for summer.**

More than usual lately I’ve had to fight the urge to huddle inside, under covers in a comfy t-shirt and watch movies or get caught up on Psych. I’m not ready for whatever grab bag of weather is waiting for me outside.

I’m trying to ease into salad season. I ate raw asparagus last week.*** I’m getting prepped, people.

 This happened.

… It’s half a freezer hash brown with marinara, hot sauce and cheddar cheese on a leaf of romaine. For balance.

I’ve been throwing arugula or spinach with a little rice wine vinegar into just about everything I’ve been eating.

Well, everything I’ve been making.

Which has all been hot food, generally involving a lot of very comforting carbs and hot sauce. I’m getting back to my roots during this time of turmoil.****

But I to go back to eating multiple heads of lettuce a week. I’m not ready. At all. I’ve got to take baby steps. So, the greens go in my curries and hashes, maybe wilt a little in the heat but they’re still so freaking stubbornly… well, green… that it doesn’t diminish them. And it get’s me closer to that glorious vehicle for dressings and croutons.

I’ll get up to salads again. It’s just gonna take time. Meanwhile I’ll be drinking a beer in my bathtub and thinking about burgers.

 

*I know there aren’t six. Creative license is like… fancy ignorance. Deal.

**Freaking weird. I’m usually into winter. I love rain and hate hot weather. I guess I just don’t like uncertainty. Or change. Yup, that’s it. Summer is consistent.

No, it’s not.

Shut up self, I’ll lie to us if I want to. Jeez.

***It’s good, don’t judge me. Also, not a pee problem for all of us. Also also, when raw it tastes a bit like fresh peas. Which I will talk about more in another post… probably by just being super redundant. Look forward to it, friends!

****Don’t worry, I’m not turning this into a livejournal.

And I will be posting an actual recipe soon. Probably. Unless I get distracted. By freezer hash browns. For which, I think, you couldn’t truly fault me.

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Filed under Breakfast, Girly, Green, No recipe, Spring

Pour It On

I’m having one of those weeks where it seems like I’m spinning in a hamster wheel, trying really hard to go fast and getting absolutely nowhere.

But at least it’s a shiny pastel color.

And there’s Reese’s easter eggs on sale to go with that bag of doritos I called lunch on Tuesday.

All I want today is an avocado. I don’t have the time to make that happen.

So I’m eating a lentil and spinach salad with feta and the last ripe tomato in the house.

But I’m thinking that isn’t going to cover the avocado fat craving… so I’m chasing it with this:

 And a night full of Childish Gambino. Because I’m going to see his face tonight. And it’s going to be magical.

Even if you can’t see Donald Glover, you can make beautiful awesome sugar coma sundaes happen.

I bought ice cream. Like a planner. Who, for now, is done making ice cream.

I made a 1/3 batch of this salted butter caramel sauce.

Make a full batch. You won’t regret it.

Also, burn it just a little. Takes some of the aggressive sweetness away and makes things way more interesting.

Secret: I cheat on the hot fudge front. I just make a tiny amount of ganache in the microwave (gasp) (I know. Sorry, World/Self).

Homemade whipped cream. You could skip it, but why?

It’s not a sundae without a banana. I stand by this. The sketchy cherries are optional, bananas aren’t.

Go nuts!

… I used pecans.

But seriously go bananas (I’m sorry, I’ll stop) with the toppings.

And last but not least don’t bother trying to share. It’s a lost cause.

Now I have to go stand in line to see a beautiful man… along with a bunch of rando hipsters. Wish me luck! Or curse me with jealousy. Whatevs. Eat a sundae!

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Filed under Chocolate, Heavy Cream, Ice Cream, No recipe

Easter Sacks

Happy Easter, Internet!

You may have asked yourself, “what’s the deal with Easter?”*

**

It’s a question I didn’t really know the answer to until I saw this messed up bunny.

This holiday is clearly about things that we all thought were safely tucked away (ahem, dead) but sneaky style came back to scare the butts off of us.

It’s about demonic candy.

It’s about ham type substances.

It’s about old dudes in freaky bunny costumes who… want you to look for the eggs they laid? What?!

Ok, so I still don’t get this holiday but there’s pork and weirdly shaped, awesomely fresh Reese’s products*** so I’m down.

When I was a small person, my grandparents would bring giant baskets full of candy and toys every year. I dyed eggs with mom. I didn’t know what ham was or why anyone would eat a meat that was so suspiciously pink but I was full of sugar so ‘dinner’ didn’t matter.

Our traditions of baskets, egg dying and looking at ham all puzzled style have fallen by the wayside. I’m totally supposed to be a grown up or something.

But I realized after Easter ended last year that I missed all of that stuff.

I also realized that it is mad impractical to hand an open basket to someone who isn’t in their home.

So. New traditions.

I’m going to dye eggs with my mom… maybe on Wednesday. It’ll be beautiful.

I made (and hopefully, will continue to make) Easter Sacks for some lady friends.****

A quality sack for a quality sack… of friendship.

Average sack contains assorted cheap ass chocolates, small egg shaped candy coated things and a peep impaled with a pink flamingo drink skewer.

And, yes, that is a Kim Possible (Ron Stoppable) valentine’s day card that I found in my closet when I was looking for the fake grass.

I believe it’s a fitting card for any occasion.

And I will fight you about this belief.

‘Cause KP is too legit to quit.

So is Mojo Jojo… I also had Powerpuff Girl cards.

And Spider-Man eggs. Which are sketchy. But so are comics. Ha! I slay me.

Anyways. In the spirit of Easter, I went out with Megan last night, gave her a sack, had some drinks, talked to some ladies (who were a little too drunk to be alive… or talking… or maybe just awake), ate chicken, steak and carnitas tacos… and then four donuts.

We did it for the baby Jesus.*****

What kinds of donuts did we have? What a legitimate question!

-Chocolate glazed with rainbow sprinkles (because when you’re drunk or a child, brightly colored things are irresistible)

-That wacky kind that’s covered in crumbs like it belongs to Entenmann’s (next time Safeway has a sale, somebody’s going down a memory lane made of coffee cake) (that somebody will be me)

-A near perfect maple old fashioned

-An awesome glazed donut

All dunked in horrible coffee and eaten surrounded by the random people who show up at a donut place in the middle of the night.

That’s how you make Easter magic, people.

So, this weekend, go buy cheap, scary candy, drink with a friend, stumble over to a taco truck and eat too many donuts. It’s a recipe for success. Until you wake up. Then you will feel sad and gross. But that’s what the holidays are ultimately about anyways. Which means, I nailed it. Woo!

Oh and when you realize there’s too much candy in your house, come back here. Next post: bacon and random candy chunk cookies.

‘Cause it’s good to shake things up with your leftovers.

And bacon shakes real good.******

 

*Seinfeld voice. Obvi.

**Easter Demon. Like, damn. I’m full of terror. My aura is a quivering pastel cloud of fear.

Eep.

***My brother once opened a Reese’s peanut butter cup’s wrapper and found mold. Holiday candy matters, kids.

Also, their giant ‘eggs’ are way better than their Christmas trees. Yeah, I said it. Stance= taken.

****And my brother. ‘Cause he loves cadbury cream eggs. Which I don’t get, but ‘follow your bliss’ (Cher voice).

I’m gonna skip the extra sacks for my manfrenjensens. It seems like over-kill.

*****I know Easter isn’t about the baby Jesus. But Ricky Bobby changed the way I think of the lord.

******A bacon shake would be too gross, right?

 

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Filed under 'Cause I'm A Kid, Candy, No recipe, Spring

Galentine’s Day

I have a lovely lady friend. She’s smart and funny and I’m totally into her face.

Our friendship looks like this:

-“It’s the middle of the night and I need to vent to someone who won’t give me even more perspective than I already freaking’ have (because I tend to dismiss my sadness/anger feelings because of third world countries/possession of sight and limbs and whatnot) so… Nations or are bars still open?”

-“Did you see ‘Parks and Rec’?”

-“Oh my sweet baby jesus, Childish Gambino! We will sit on his face.”*

-Comedy!**

-“Eat this delicious thing.”

-“Am I bonkers for analyzing this so much?”

“Not even at all.”***

-‘Fat Bottomed Girls’. Obvi.****

This guy.*****

That’s 99% of our beautiful life together. Bask in it’s glory, Internet.

Anyway, given our propensity for daydreaming about Leslie Knope’s face we decided to have us a big ass Galentine’s Day.******

The actual day of our fantastical lady times was cold and overcast. I was brain dead from exhaustion brought on by pestering cafe’s for work (I had an interview the next day!) (Interviews are gross) and we both wanted to sit around in sweat pants and read. But, being ladies, we didn’t mention these feelings to one another until we’d covered ourselves in girl fabrics and lugged awesome food and delicious day drunk drinks to a garden where we complained about the icy wind, boys and how super incapable I am of ending a sentence at a reasonable length.

And then Megan gave me this:

 Ron Freaking Swanson. (If you click on his face, you will be able to read the words next to him. Then you will understand why Megan is the best sort of lady friend around.)

And my day was totally made.

The end.

Reader- “But Rosie, wasn’t there food at this lady picnic?”

Other reader- “Yeah, isn’t this supposed to be at least partially a food blog?”

Yes, you beautiful naive sophisticated new born baby.*******

This day was full of food.

And! I’m totally gonna tell you about it.

When I’m less sickly and done with naps.

In the meantime…

Have some flowers! I picked them, ’cause I’m romancing you.

Also, know that Megan put honey in fresh ricotta and slathered it on bread and covered that in apple slices. In general I’m not a big fan of ricotta because I, you know, can’t remove my mouth, but this stuff was delicious. Put that in your thinking caps, people.

*Probably not at the same time- his face is a normal size. A beautiful, mustachioed, normal size.

Also, if you like seeing his face with a mustache (if you don’t, you’re clearly a monster), then you should definitely see Mystery Team. It’s absurdly hilarious.

**We saw Robin fucking Williams do a surprise set! I’m not ever getting over that.

***Should we acknowledge that we’re sort of bonkers? WHAT. Who said that? Jerks.

****Welcome to our go-to karaoke song. Also, Megan/anyone who bothers to read my silly words, have you still not seen ‘Spring Breakdown’? You clearly have internet access, go fix your life.

*****Yes, this is separate from Parks and Rec. That is how into his face we are.

******“What’s Galentine’s Day? Oh it’s only the best day of the year. Every February 13th my lady friends and I leave our husbands and our boyfriends at home and we just kick it breakfast style. Ladies celebrating ladies. It’s like Lilith Fair, minus the angst. Plus, frittatas!”

-Leslie Knope

No, we didn’t make waffles. It’s possible I ate some whipped cream after putting on sweats and taking a nap but it’s a blur.

*******”Oh Ann, you beautiful tropical fish”

Sometimes the nonsense I speak is secretly a reference that you won’t get unless you happen to watch whatever I watch.

I’m sorry. If it makes you feel better, I watch some really great stuff. Just look up at April Ludgate’s face. That thing is glorious.

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Filed under Girly, No recipe