Category Archives: Green

Basics

A cooking basic:

-Get your pan hot before you put anything in it. Then put in your fat and let that get hot. Then add other, foodier stuff.

Some life basics:

-Don’t try to substitute coffee for sleep. It’ll make you too regular.*

-Eat protein. I’ve been running around tasting cookies and cakes and doing the physical labor that is baking and forgetting to eat enough real food. Basically, I just need to pack two lunches.

-If you want a bus to come, get someone to light a cigarette. If you want something to go on sale, buy it now… and again, when it’s on sale next week.

The universe is all about schadenfreude.

-When riding your bike in a busy street and see this:

… pull over and take a picture.

That’s a dude on a bike, holding a parrot.

What.

-When in doubt, fry an egg.

 With quickly sauteed flowering kale, garlic and avocado toast that shit is dinner.

Apparently egg frying isn’t something everyone gets taught at home. What? Twist.**

Eggs are totally the cooking and life basics of my childhood.

Thanks mom!

Let’s do a quick run through of the different kinds of fried eggs.

–Over Hard- fun to say, somewhat difficult to eat if you have an aversion to the slightly chalky texture that a fully cooked yolk can take on. This egg is cooked on both sides until the yolk is firm and the whites aren’t snotty.***

I ate these, by choice, for years.

Cray, I know.

–Over Medium- my current fried egg of choice as this egg is cooked on both sides, till no egg white snot remains and the yolk thickens to a runny custard consistency.

–Over Easy- this egg is cooked on both sides, but removed almost immediately after it’s flipped as the yolk is meant to be very runny.

–Sunny Side Up- the prettiest of the fried eggs, the sunny side up egg (I feel like I’m on a game show now. Everyone picture Vanna White with me) is cooked only on one side. This is the hardest egg to do right. By ‘do right’ I mean cook until the white is set but the yolk is still runny all the way through. This egg requires patience or a desire to eat squicky egg white snot.

I have little of either of those.

 But sometimes my pan gets sticky and I get too scared to flip my eggs. And then I cheat by throwing hot fat all over the place.

It happens.

#Only all of us can prevent grease fires.

On top of mac and cheese with bacon and caramelized onions, the terror I feel about this egg is washed away in a cloud of delicious artery death.

It was kinda awesome. No bigs.

Go make an egg!

You’ll need:

A hot skillet

Butter

To wait until that butter is hot

An egg, cracked onto that hot butter in that hot skillet

Salt and pepper, hot sauce, fancy pants herbs and spices, whatever floats your egg boat

Maybe a spatula if you’re gonna flip it, maybe not if your pan isn’t straight sided and a speedy flick of your wrist will do the job

Maybe a spoon if you want a sunny side up egg but want to cheat a little by spooning hot fat on top of your egg to make sure the white cooks through

Maybe cheese

Probably cheese

And a fork or ‘bread utensil’

Did I miss anything?

Good luck, people!****

*Everybody poops.

Did you know there’s an Everybody Farts book too?

**Schools, seriously, bring back home ec.

***Snotty whites=runny, not solid or cooked through=higher risk of salmonella. Salmonella is a thing that can food poison your insides. It’s good to avoid, but the risk in eggs is relatively low.

****Sorry if you’re not into eggs or are some kind of eggspert.

And now I’m sorry I put ‘eggspert’ onto you, Internet.

Yikes.

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Filed under Bacon, Basics, Breakfast, Fried Egg, Green, Home ec, Instructional, No recipe

Siren Songs and BLTs

Can we talk siren songs for a minute?

A siren song can be just about anything that you shouldn’t do that calls to you. Hard.

I hear them, like, everyday. I have for my whole life.

When I was three, four and five my siren songs were super dicey. Mostly because, at those carefree ages, I always went with my impulses.

Siren song: Play with the shiny big ‘toy’ cars racing through busy intersections.

Result: Dislocated shoulder.*

Siren song: Touch every open flame around.

Result: … I touched a bunch of fires. Ouch?

Siren song: Stand and rock on a chair with inexplicably sharp edges.

Result: Chin chok-a-block full of stitches.

Siren song: Stand on a wheely chair while leaning out our second story window.

Result: I couldn’t go to story time.

That was the worst.** Also, one of the only punishments that wasn’t just a short time-out. I got away with so much.

My siren songs have changed a bit over the years.

Siren song: Buy every issue of Locke & Key.

Result: Poorness.

… But read this if you haven’t. It’s incredimazeballs.

Siren song: Put bourbon in everything.

Result:

 Bourbon spiked Arnold Palmers.

Siren songs I hold off on:

Putting my hand in the running garbage disposal.

Walking into the giant ovens at my baking school.

Jamming the spokes of other people’s bikes.***

Shouting in theaters during live productions.****

Eating bacon every day… I don’t hold off on this one voluntarilly, I just can’t afford that much bacon.

I ate a friend’s bacon today… that sounded… not ideal.

#No shame

A couple weeks ago I made myself a BLT that I’m still salivating over.

 Sorry, the picture’s a bit fuzzy but I took it on my phone with the low-blood-sugar/why-isn’t-that-in-my-face-yet shakes.

It’s a loaded Spring BLT. Like a salad in bread and full of bacon. So, it’s exactly how I like all my salads.

In case you want to eat this beautiful monster…

Thinly slice a small red onion and a handful of radishes.

In a bowl, pour enough red wine vinegar over the sliced onion and radishes to completely cover them.

(Later, you’ll want to save the un-absorbed oniony vinegar for dressings!)

Add a couple pinches of salt and dried dill.

Let it sit and get pickly while you get to the good stuff.

Fry several pieces of bacon, pat off excess fat and set aside.

Drain most of the grease from your pan and sautee a handful of trimmed, rinsed asparagus on high heat for a couple of minutes, until they’ve got some color on them but are still a bit crisp.

Rinse and dry something like lettuce (I used red leaf and spinach. This really was a salad. I’m bonkers, I’ve accepted it).

Slice a tomato and some Dubliner.

Toast a couple slices of sourdough and mix together a couple tsps of whatever mustard you have around with a couple tbsps of greek yogurt (I was out of mayo. This actually worked pretty well. Shocking stuff) and some black pepper.

Assemble and destroy.

You look like you could use a good sandwich.

Treat yo self.

A little quick real life talk? My days have been chaotic, I’ve been sick or fighting something off for weeks and am just now feeling like myself again. I’m gonna work on building up this weak immune system of mine while working my tail off in this baking program and looking for paying work. I don’t know how much time I’ll have for this blogging business. I’m gonna try to post more, but I can’t promise anything regular. I’m gonna shoot for a post every other week, for now.

And now, a request: TELL ME YOUR SIREN SONG.

Too intense?

Well, guys, I really wanna know.

Throw a girl a bone, will ya?

*Or elbow. Probably elbow. But who can keep track of their own medical history? Squares is who!

**I love you mom. I’m obviously only alive ’cause you made the tough decisions. But I’ll probably never get over this.

Also, Everyone, tell me a story. It’ll be awesome. For me.

***My siren songs would be dicks. Obvi.

****As someone who’s done some little bits of theater and has many friends who are actively pursuing a life in that industry, this is the one that feels the worst to me. But the urge is never not there. I figure when I’m older, I’ll snap and be the worst audience member ever. Like a living version of Thespis, but less creative.

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Filed under 'Cause I'm A Kid, Bacon, Bourbon, Drinks, Green, Sandwiches, Spring

Something Hot

I feel like we’re in between six* different seasons right now. I know, the Bay Area is mad fickle but… maybe I forgot. Maybe it got old, maybe I got used to our near rainless winter and expected the seasons to have simply swapped time frames. Whatever the reason behind my confusion, it’s annoying. I don’t know what to wear and more importantly, I can’t tell if I want a salad.

I love salads. But I don’t think it’s hot enough yet. I think I need to feel my teeth sweat before I’ll be ready to sink them into cold wedges of ice berg covered in homemade ranch, or tender purple red leaves sprinkled with blue cheese and surrounded by a harsh vinaigrette. Salads make me want to sit on warm, itchy grass and drink Arnold Palmers. I guess I’m waiting for summer.**

More than usual lately I’ve had to fight the urge to huddle inside, under covers in a comfy t-shirt and watch movies or get caught up on Psych. I’m not ready for whatever grab bag of weather is waiting for me outside.

I’m trying to ease into salad season. I ate raw asparagus last week.*** I’m getting prepped, people.

 This happened.

… It’s half a freezer hash brown with marinara, hot sauce and cheddar cheese on a leaf of romaine. For balance.

I’ve been throwing arugula or spinach with a little rice wine vinegar into just about everything I’ve been eating.

Well, everything I’ve been making.

Which has all been hot food, generally involving a lot of very comforting carbs and hot sauce. I’m getting back to my roots during this time of turmoil.****

But I to go back to eating multiple heads of lettuce a week. I’m not ready. At all. I’ve got to take baby steps. So, the greens go in my curries and hashes, maybe wilt a little in the heat but they’re still so freaking stubbornly… well, green… that it doesn’t diminish them. And it get’s me closer to that glorious vehicle for dressings and croutons.

I’ll get up to salads again. It’s just gonna take time. Meanwhile I’ll be drinking a beer in my bathtub and thinking about burgers.

 

*I know there aren’t six. Creative license is like… fancy ignorance. Deal.

**Freaking weird. I’m usually into winter. I love rain and hate hot weather. I guess I just don’t like uncertainty. Or change. Yup, that’s it. Summer is consistent.

No, it’s not.

Shut up self, I’ll lie to us if I want to. Jeez.

***It’s good, don’t judge me. Also, not a pee problem for all of us. Also also, when raw it tastes a bit like fresh peas. Which I will talk about more in another post… probably by just being super redundant. Look forward to it, friends!

****Don’t worry, I’m not turning this into a livejournal.

And I will be posting an actual recipe soon. Probably. Unless I get distracted. By freezer hash browns. For which, I think, you couldn’t truly fault me.

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Filed under Breakfast, Girly, Green, No recipe, Spring

Nitty Gritty*

Things got real crazy, people. I went to some things. Did some stuff. Made some friends. Dressed up like a fire chief (made more friends, obvi) and put my best, caffeine fueled foot forward.

Guys, I’m exhausted. Fortunately, things are slowing down. And I’m pumping sugar into my face to keep this shambling body rolling.

Tomorrow I’m gonna go get a donut. And make cracked out easter baskets for my lady friends. Things’ll be peachy! And when folks aren’t looking, I’ll drink a lot of tea and chug potato soup.

‘Cause I’m sick again! Woo!

I earned this sick though. I didn’t sleep proper and I stayed on my feet for way too many hours and collected all of the cooties the world had to offer me.

It was worth it.

‘Cause I got a lot of free pencils. And those scraps of kindling sure do pay the rent.

Heh.

Guess what’s next, you crazy kids.

 JEFF MANGUM.

I’m gonna see his face. No biggie.**

I need to be in fighting shape when I gaze upon his anxiety ridden, Anne Frank boner having self.

Between soup chuggings I’ll be eating serious comfort food. ‘Cause when I’m shy of the level of sick that makes my body reject anything but broth***, I want hot, solid, starchy food. Gotta get through the winter… spring… hard times…?

Is anyone else singing the Good Times theme song? No? Lame.

Hangin’ in a chow line!

Anyways… This is what I’ve been wanting to tell you about.

Grits.

Bacon.

Leeks.

Soft fried egg.

Mustard greens.

Shiiit.

Now this is a rough outline of a recipe. You can do whatever you want with it as long as you make grits. You don’t have to fry garlic in olive oil and butter before pouring water into the pan and setting it to boiling. You don’t need the cayenne or the paprika and you certainly don’t need the creamy goat cheese or half and half. But you need to eat grits. Boiled plain with a pat of butter and a sprinkle of brown sugar**** or with butter and pepper and a swirl of cheddar cheese melting into what I’m sure will be all I eat when my teeth go.

… And now I want grits. I’m gonna go up a pants size convincing you stragglers to come around.

This rough recipe I started to tell you about begins with bacon. As it should. Make as much as you want! Have a party!

If you live across the way from one of these…

… throw some bacon over. Apartment living’s no good for a big dog. Bacon helps.

Sautee a couple of leeks in a little bacon grease. Stop and remove from pan when they’re awesomely caramelized.

In a pot, sautee a clove of garlic (per serving of grits. Read the box. It has wisdom) until golden, add water, bring to a boil and cook grits according to box instructions.

In the bacon-y pan, cook some mustard greens. (Hot pan, fat of some kind, chopped greens, stir, season, add a couple tbsps water, cover and steam for about a minute, remove lid, add lemon juice and be surprised at how bitter mustard greens can be… speaking of which just about any other green would be awesome and less abrasive.)

Start frying your egg and if your grits have thickened up too much (and they probably will) thin them out with a bit of water or cream while heating and stirring.

Add cayenne, paprika, salt, pepper and a hunk of goat cheese to the grits if you’re into that fancy stuff.

Layer a bowl with grits on the bottom, bacon on top, awesome stuff in the middle and greens on the side, just to be safe.

Eat this with a runny yolk. Like someone who’s totally unafraid of that kinda risky business.

Go ahead and make an absurd amount of grits. They solidify in a terrifying way when cooled which means you can cut out chunks and fry them up for crispy awesomeness once you’re hungry again. You won’t regret it. Unless you have a small stomach. In which case, I’m sorry and we can work on this together. And by ‘we’ I mean you and grits. They get it done did.

*I’m sorry Grits, you deserve better.

**I lied. It’s a biggie.*****

***Heh. Butt broth.

****If cream of wheat had balls, it might be close to this.

Oh boy. Um. It’s a lot better than I just made it sound.

*****Biggie Smalls.

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Filed under Bacon, Breakfast, Fried Egg, Green, Grits

Dear Green Beans,

I’m sorry. I’m not normally a shallow person. Like homely girls everywhere, I care more about personality than looks. And there’s no denying that I love your insides, Green Beans. When you snap softly under my teeth, I can’t help but smile… mostly because I’ve doubtlessly cooked you in butter or bacon and animal fats are mad sexy. But, I have to get real with you for a minute: your outside parts bother me.

I pick through bins of you somewhat obsessively, moving over to let those bold enough to just fill their hands and bags with you, not bothering, as I do, to cast off your wispy strands and thicker beans whose bulging insides allow me to think of nothing but that traumatic scene from Alien.

Once I get you home, I snap a chunk off of you at both ends and scrape my pairing knife down the sides of those of you I neglected to weed out, removing slivers of skin covered in dry scars and stretch marks. I’ve gladly eaten some hideous dishes, but you have so much (forgive me) potential that I become superficial around you.

Someday I will reach blindly into your piles instead of standing aside and watching with envy as others take you, bulbous and slight, wrinkled and taught, into their baskets and stomachs.

You’ve done nothing but nourish me, so I will try to be less judgmental when I stumble upon the ugos among you.

Seriously. My bad,

Rosie

P.S.- You, like Mr. Pibb and Red Vines= crazy delicious, so don’t let this get you down.

Spicy Green Beans

Serves 2 as a side (unless you’re serving me. Then it serves 1… me).

Rinse, trim and halve 2 big handfuls of green beans.

Peel and mince 1/2 inch ginger and 2 small cloves garlic (about 1/2 tsp each)

Over medium high heat, melt 1/2 tbsp butter.

Add green beans and cook for about 1 minute.

Add ginger and garlic, cook, stirring regularly for another minute.

Add 1-2 tsps tamari and 2 tbsps water.

Stir and cook on high for 1-2 minutes until most of the liquid has evaporated and the beans are tender but still a bit crunchy (if you like less crunch, cover the pan with a lid after adding the water. This will also leave you with a bit of liquid but that makes a totally tasty sauce, especially if you stir in an extra pat of butter at the end).

Kill heat and add 1/2 tsp garlic chili paste (like sriracha) and 1 tsp lime juice. Taste, adjust and serve hot over rice, under a fried egg, or straight up.

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Filed under Green