Category Archives: Fried Egg

Basics

A cooking basic:

-Get your pan hot before you put anything in it. Then put in your fat and let that get hot. Then add other, foodier stuff.

Some life basics:

-Don’t try to substitute coffee for sleep. It’ll make you too regular.*

-Eat protein. I’ve been running around tasting cookies and cakes and doing the physical labor that is baking and forgetting to eat enough real food. Basically, I just need to pack two lunches.

-If you want a bus to come, get someone to light a cigarette. If you want something to go on sale, buy it now… and again, when it’s on sale next week.

The universe is all about schadenfreude.

-When riding your bike in a busy street and see this:

… pull over and take a picture.

That’s a dude on a bike, holding a parrot.

What.

-When in doubt, fry an egg.

 With quickly sauteed flowering kale, garlic and avocado toast that shit is dinner.

Apparently egg frying isn’t something everyone gets taught at home. What? Twist.**

Eggs are totally the cooking and life basics of my childhood.

Thanks mom!

Let’s do a quick run through of the different kinds of fried eggs.

–Over Hard- fun to say, somewhat difficult to eat if you have an aversion to the slightly chalky texture that a fully cooked yolk can take on. This egg is cooked on both sides until the yolk is firm and the whites aren’t snotty.***

I ate these, by choice, for years.

Cray, I know.

–Over Medium- my current fried egg of choice as this egg is cooked on both sides, till no egg white snot remains and the yolk thickens to a runny custard consistency.

–Over Easy- this egg is cooked on both sides, but removed almost immediately after it’s flipped as the yolk is meant to be very runny.

–Sunny Side Up- the prettiest of the fried eggs, the sunny side up egg (I feel like I’m on a game show now. Everyone picture Vanna White with me) is cooked only on one side. This is the hardest egg to do right. By ‘do right’ I mean cook until the white is set but the yolk is still runny all the way through. This egg requires patience or a desire to eat squicky egg white snot.

I have little of either of those.

 But sometimes my pan gets sticky and I get too scared to flip my eggs. And then I cheat by throwing hot fat all over the place.

It happens.

#Only all of us can prevent grease fires.

On top of mac and cheese with bacon and caramelized onions, the terror I feel about this egg is washed away in a cloud of delicious artery death.

It was kinda awesome. No bigs.

Go make an egg!

You’ll need:

A hot skillet

Butter

To wait until that butter is hot

An egg, cracked onto that hot butter in that hot skillet

Salt and pepper, hot sauce, fancy pants herbs and spices, whatever floats your egg boat

Maybe a spatula if you’re gonna flip it, maybe not if your pan isn’t straight sided and a speedy flick of your wrist will do the job

Maybe a spoon if you want a sunny side up egg but want to cheat a little by spooning hot fat on top of your egg to make sure the white cooks through

Maybe cheese

Probably cheese

And a fork or ‘bread utensil’

Did I miss anything?

Good luck, people!****

*Everybody poops.

Did you know there’s an Everybody Farts book too?

**Schools, seriously, bring back home ec.

***Snotty whites=runny, not solid or cooked through=higher risk of salmonella. Salmonella is a thing that can food poison your insides. It’s good to avoid, but the risk in eggs is relatively low.

****Sorry if you’re not into eggs or are some kind of eggspert.

And now I’m sorry I put ‘eggspert’ onto you, Internet.

Yikes.

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Filed under Bacon, Basics, Breakfast, Fried Egg, Green, Home ec, Instructional, No recipe

Nitty Gritty*

Things got real crazy, people. I went to some things. Did some stuff. Made some friends. Dressed up like a fire chief (made more friends, obvi) and put my best, caffeine fueled foot forward.

Guys, I’m exhausted. Fortunately, things are slowing down. And I’m pumping sugar into my face to keep this shambling body rolling.

Tomorrow I’m gonna go get a donut. And make cracked out easter baskets for my lady friends. Things’ll be peachy! And when folks aren’t looking, I’ll drink a lot of tea and chug potato soup.

‘Cause I’m sick again! Woo!

I earned this sick though. I didn’t sleep proper and I stayed on my feet for way too many hours and collected all of the cooties the world had to offer me.

It was worth it.

‘Cause I got a lot of free pencils. And those scraps of kindling sure do pay the rent.

Heh.

Guess what’s next, you crazy kids.

 JEFF MANGUM.

I’m gonna see his face. No biggie.**

I need to be in fighting shape when I gaze upon his anxiety ridden, Anne Frank boner having self.

Between soup chuggings I’ll be eating serious comfort food. ‘Cause when I’m shy of the level of sick that makes my body reject anything but broth***, I want hot, solid, starchy food. Gotta get through the winter… spring… hard times…?

Is anyone else singing the Good Times theme song? No? Lame.

Hangin’ in a chow line!

Anyways… This is what I’ve been wanting to tell you about.

Grits.

Bacon.

Leeks.

Soft fried egg.

Mustard greens.

Shiiit.

Now this is a rough outline of a recipe. You can do whatever you want with it as long as you make grits. You don’t have to fry garlic in olive oil and butter before pouring water into the pan and setting it to boiling. You don’t need the cayenne or the paprika and you certainly don’t need the creamy goat cheese or half and half. But you need to eat grits. Boiled plain with a pat of butter and a sprinkle of brown sugar**** or with butter and pepper and a swirl of cheddar cheese melting into what I’m sure will be all I eat when my teeth go.

… And now I want grits. I’m gonna go up a pants size convincing you stragglers to come around.

This rough recipe I started to tell you about begins with bacon. As it should. Make as much as you want! Have a party!

If you live across the way from one of these…

… throw some bacon over. Apartment living’s no good for a big dog. Bacon helps.

Sautee a couple of leeks in a little bacon grease. Stop and remove from pan when they’re awesomely caramelized.

In a pot, sautee a clove of garlic (per serving of grits. Read the box. It has wisdom) until golden, add water, bring to a boil and cook grits according to box instructions.

In the bacon-y pan, cook some mustard greens. (Hot pan, fat of some kind, chopped greens, stir, season, add a couple tbsps water, cover and steam for about a minute, remove lid, add lemon juice and be surprised at how bitter mustard greens can be… speaking of which just about any other green would be awesome and less abrasive.)

Start frying your egg and if your grits have thickened up too much (and they probably will) thin them out with a bit of water or cream while heating and stirring.

Add cayenne, paprika, salt, pepper and a hunk of goat cheese to the grits if you’re into that fancy stuff.

Layer a bowl with grits on the bottom, bacon on top, awesome stuff in the middle and greens on the side, just to be safe.

Eat this with a runny yolk. Like someone who’s totally unafraid of that kinda risky business.

Go ahead and make an absurd amount of grits. They solidify in a terrifying way when cooled which means you can cut out chunks and fry them up for crispy awesomeness once you’re hungry again. You won’t regret it. Unless you have a small stomach. In which case, I’m sorry and we can work on this together. And by ‘we’ I mean you and grits. They get it done did.

*I’m sorry Grits, you deserve better.

**I lied. It’s a biggie.*****

***Heh. Butt broth.

****If cream of wheat had balls, it might be close to this.

Oh boy. Um. It’s a lot better than I just made it sound.

*****Biggie Smalls.

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Filed under Bacon, Breakfast, Fried Egg, Green, Grits