Category Archives: Chocolate

Swap Town: Buckwheat

Hi Internet! You’re looking… large?

Let’s keep that up!

I’ve got a buckwheat cacao nib shortbread recipe for you to load your beautiful faces with.

These cookies keep very well, so they’re great for shipping… in case there’s another cookie swap happening that I don’t know about, or you just need to send some to yourself to slow down the face stuffing process.

Unfortunately I’m using a friends computer (and I’m an idiot about non-macs) so I can’t show ya’ll any pictures right now, but they looked kind of like these, as I adapted them (just barely) from Heidi Swanson’s post.

I’ll do a follow up post at some point with the info from my fellow cookie swappers and pictures of my dorky packaging situation.

… I behaved like a fifth grader with a crush… there were check-boxes involved… it was awkward…

Anyways, I’ll be back in the near future to update this cookie swap deal and tell you where the heck I’ve been and maybe tell you about the success or failure of the persimmon ginger cream scones I’m about to make.

Also latkes.

Happy Holidays, Weirdos.

Buckwheat Cacao Nib Shortbread

Adapted from Alice Medrich and 101 Cookbooks

Cream:

2 sticks of softened salted butter

1/2 cup sugar

until just combined, don’t turn this into fluffsville (the longer you cream, the more air you incorporate, the less like shortbread- dense- your cookies will be)

mix in:

the scraped out guts of 1 vanilla bean (save the skin part for roasted fruit or an ice cream base… or just stuff it into your sugar and forget about it)

1 1/2 tsps bourbon (you can skip this but that would be silly. Unless you have cream to use up. Or aren’t using a vanilla bean)

7 tbsps cacao nibs

scrape down the bowl and sift in:

1 cup each all purpose and buckwheat flour

mix until combined and form into 2-3 disks or logs (disks to roll out for cookie cutters, logs to slice and bake) and chill for a couple of hours or overnight.

Slice (or roll out to) 1/4 inch thick cookie bits and bake on parchment until set and just golden on the sides- these are easy to overbake and your times will vary based on the size cookies you end up with so check them regularly (starting around the 7 minute mark).

The number of cookies you get will vary too, probably ranging between 48-60… so unless you’re sending them to people… and you should totally send them all over the place all the time… but if you’re not, I’m sure a half batch would work just fine and yield a less bananas amount of stuff… or you could freeze some of the dough and have cookies, like, whenever. It’s your life, buddy.

 

 

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Filed under Bourbon, Chocolate, Cookies, Room Temperature Butter

Pour It On

I’m having one of those weeks where it seems like I’m spinning in a hamster wheel, trying really hard to go fast and getting absolutely nowhere.

But at least it’s a shiny pastel color.

And there’s Reese’s easter eggs on sale to go with that bag of doritos I called lunch on Tuesday.

All I want today is an avocado. I don’t have the time to make that happen.

So I’m eating a lentil and spinach salad with feta and the last ripe tomato in the house.

But I’m thinking that isn’t going to cover the avocado fat craving… so I’m chasing it with this:

 And a night full of Childish Gambino. Because I’m going to see his face tonight. And it’s going to be magical.

Even if you can’t see Donald Glover, you can make beautiful awesome sugar coma sundaes happen.

I bought ice cream. Like a planner. Who, for now, is done making ice cream.

I made a 1/3 batch of this salted butter caramel sauce.

Make a full batch. You won’t regret it.

Also, burn it just a little. Takes some of the aggressive sweetness away and makes things way more interesting.

Secret: I cheat on the hot fudge front. I just make a tiny amount of ganache in the microwave (gasp) (I know. Sorry, World/Self).

Homemade whipped cream. You could skip it, but why?

It’s not a sundae without a banana. I stand by this. The sketchy cherries are optional, bananas aren’t.

Go nuts!

… I used pecans.

But seriously go bananas (I’m sorry, I’ll stop) with the toppings.

And last but not least don’t bother trying to share. It’s a lost cause.

Now I have to go stand in line to see a beautiful man… along with a bunch of rando hipsters. Wish me luck! Or curse me with jealousy. Whatevs. Eat a sundae!

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Filed under Chocolate, Heavy Cream, Ice Cream, No recipe

To-Do Lists, Bacon Cookies and Why I Shouldn’t Have Internet Access When I’m Sleepy.

I blame Amy Poehler’s face for the lack of check marks on my to-do list.

I make to-do lists for most days right before I go to bed. I often don’t look at my list until half-way through the day because writing it down is usually enough to make the tasks stick in my mind and I don’t want to see that filled sheet of paper until I can cross things off.

I did 3 out of 11 things on my list today.

There will be no gold stars, no rewards* and no pats on the back for me.

There will be punishment in the form of an earlier wake-up time, a new and old mess to deal with (it’s called ‘my home’), a crash course through drafts of an essay, forced creativity and way more thinking and planning than I care to do.

The most time consuming parts of this day’s list will be rolling over to the early hours of tomorrow morning.

Starting with…

 #1: dishes.

Blurg.

#2: Make a birthday cake for a woman I’ve been in awe of since I was five.**

No pressure.

Then from tomorrow’s to-do list: see her! Drink tea! Eat that cake! Or an Entenmann’s cake if things go south.

Then it’s back to real life stuff.

Reader: Rosie, by ‘real life stuff’ do you mean important endeavors like finding more ways to get bacon in you?

Dearest of readers, of course that’s what I mean.

(BTW, each scoop is 1/3 of a cup of bacon-y awesomeness.) (That’s kinda huge.)

By, ‘real life stuff’, I also mean…

#3: Work on getting my unemployed, uninsured self some health care.***

It’s hard to remember to take care of yourself when finding the care you need is a different, more difficult process than just doing a search for people who take your insurance.

I’ve been procrastinating this business for a while.

I don’t like change.

Or most doctors.

Or waiting rooms. Which is gonna be even more of a thing now that I’ll be going to free clinics.

Are you getting why I’ve been putting this off?

#4: Go back to the crazy business of job hunting. I kind of took a break from this one because I secretly sort of went through a whole grieving process when I didn’t get… multiple jobs in a row.

My notes on this: follow up. Like, a million times more than you think you should. You’ll either get seriously considered for a job… or they’ll file a restraining order against you. Either way, you’re making your determined face known and that’s a good thing.****

Even if you don’t get the job(s). Interviews are valuable. A horrible, train wreck of an interview can be really useful… in retrospect. If you don’t get to the interview but managed to convince someone to take your resume, that’s still a win. Those suckers are stuck with the environmental impact of their next actions. You’re scot-free.

Have a party!

Hi, I’m Snowman Ricky! I like to be left out in the cold… unlike those high and mighty unemployed jerks.

Keep on trucking, Ricky.

Oh boy, self.

Sorry, readers.

#5: Run a bunch of errands.

Let’s gloss right over this one.

Errands are old fashioned. Who needs ’em? Not this guy. That’s who.

#6: Research!

I’m looking into another (super secret) field of work.

#7: Lady stuff.

Yay.*****

#8: Back to BACON.

The most important of meats/daily obligations/things to blog about when I should be sleeping.

These cookies happened out of necessity. I had bacon grease and fudge that couldn’t stick around in their current states.

So I smushed them together. And everything was hunky dory.******

Recipe time!

Preheat your oven to 375! Or don’t and freeze balls of cookie dough to be baked some other time. ‘Cause that works with these. But eat some now, jeez.

Cream together:

6 tbsps room temperature butter (I used unsalted, if you want to use salted butter, leave out the salt. Did I hear lightbulbs? No? You guys already knew to do this? Dandy******)

2 tbsps bacon fat (a little bit colder than room temperature)

1/3 cup each dark brown sugar and granulated sugar

1 egg

1 tsp vanilla extract

1 tsp instant espresso powder

Mix in:

1 1/4 cup all purpose flour

1/2 tsp baking soda

1/8 tsp baking powder (for a little extra rise and a slight cakiness- I’m sure you would still get excellent cookies if you chose to leave this out)

A pinch of salt

1 1/2 cups of whatever chunked up candy you want to throw in there.

I split it between rocky road fudge that had gone a bit stale and a big bar of toblerone with a couple tbsps of peanut butter chips to round things out. If you have bacon, please fry up, chop and throw some of that in too.

Scoop out giant rounds of dough, freeze some, bake them all, give them to a neighbor (who’s not Jewish or a vegetarian- unless you’re an ass or it’s consensual) do whatever you need to do to feel right about this as long as you eat them while they’re hot. I mean it, people.

*Today I ate M&M’s with several spoonfuls of peanut butter, a stale peep and some brown rice pudding.

Those were all for sustenance. Nothing rewarding here. Move along, judgers of me.

**Hopefully I’ll also have time to make a card- though the idea of that makes me feel like a tiny, foolish (but thoughtful) child.

***Bacon cookies and health care totally go together, shut up.

****Except restraining orders are bad, don’t get those.

I’m here to provide really basic knowledge and unsolicited, obvious advice.

You’re welcome, stalkers.

*****I watched this lady: http://www.youtube.com/dailygrace

I think that counts.

Mostly because I totes Grace Faced while I wrote that.

******Who says that?

Me, when I’m only awake by the power of an absurd amount of sugar. That’s who.

… Yes this is for both hunky dory and dandy.

God help me if I ever start saying ‘doodle dandy’. Though that seems like it might be fun.

Rabbit hole!

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Filed under Bacon, Candy, Chocolate, Cookies, Lists, Room Temperature Butter, Savory and sweet

Cake Shake

 Hello! I’ve been gone again for quite a time. What’s with that? Well, I went and visited some lovely friends of mine and was entirely off of the internet place.

But that was only five days.

The rest of the days were… less than inspiring.

That’s my way of saying my cooking consisted of flops.

I was all set to tell you about a pie I made for my mom’s birthday that, though delicious, had pretty much been an emotional sponge. I made it in a disaster of a mopey mood and the custard turned a sad brownish gray and slumped across our plates when it was meant to stand up and hold the imprints of our forks. It made me want to read ‘Like Water For Chocolate’ again.

 And not make pies.

Which is a wrong sort of feeling. Pies are the best.

But that feeling was reinforced when I made a vegan pie for Ginger and wanted a new crust, more apples, a bucket of caramel and a thicker layer of crunchy crumbly cookie gunk to press into the top.

My baking brain never thinks I’ll need very much crumb topping. My baking brain is foolish. Maybe it’s too full of sugar.

 I tried making orangettes. I couldn’t handle the suggested sugar to water ratio so I cut back on the sugar and ended up with overly sweet orange peel mush. I forgot that I was making candy. And that candy is full of sugar. And that I need to get over that.

I made a mess of a soup. I was trying to clean out the fridge and had been curious about the creamless creamy soup idea (where you put bread in broth and blend it). A failed experiment. It’s still loitering in my fridge waiting for someone (ok, me) to grow a set and dump it out.

 I’m full of dread.

I made weird banana pancakes.

I ate day old doughnuts.

Times are rough.

 Ganache tends to fix things.

Did something go wrong with your day? Need to reset? Cleanse?

Juice is dumb. Go get some heavy cream.

 See the cake under that layer of creamy chocolatey magic? Another flop. Perplexingly bland for something with chocolate, stout, homemade vanilla extract, bourbon, sour cream and a good dose of butter. The crumb coulda been better too. Ok, now I’m splitting hairs but it was my time consuming sad sack of a chocolate cake and so I’ll be* a little unreasonable in my complaining. I mean, look at that sexiness. Shoulda been deloicious.

Anyways, all of these kitchen failures were bumming me out a bit. Then I realized this cake was still covered in ganache. And that I had left over heavy cream. And coffee ice cream in the freezer.

I made whipped cream and ate the slice up in that picture but wasn’t entirely satisfied.

Then I remembered the genius of Jessie and the beauty of the cake shake.

I then also remembered that I totally had more bourbon.

And that bourbon is beautiful.

These beauties go together.

 The cake had been for St. Paddy’s day. It’s totally in the Irish spirit to take something mediocre and turn it into a liquid with (more) booze.

I don’t think I need to tell you guys how to make a milkshake. I figure those of you who are in the milkshake** lifestyle have already science-ed your way through this one.

Booze complicates things slightly what with the lack of freezing and all, so if you’re looking for a thick milkshake that requires a hoover for a mouth to get anything up a straw, skip the bourbon and throw in just a little bit of milk in it’s place. And if you want to make a group size version of this (for yourself or an actual group), blend up the ice cream and cake and let people do their own booze-ing to avoid things turning extra liquidy faster. Plus, then those uninterested in the alcohols aren’t left out, you’ll hang on to more of your bourbon and the kids who break into your house to steal desserts won’t accidentally get drunk! Win win win.

Boozy Cake Shake:

3 parts coffee ice cream to 1 part bourbon and 1 part cake covered in ganache.

Leave the cake out till the very end if you want bigger chunks.

Cover in whipped cream.

Inhale.***

*Pandora is playing ‘It’s Getting Hot In Here’. My words brain froze. I had to bust a move. Forgive me.

** I had a ‘milkshave’ typo. I was a little into it.

***Don’t listen to me. That’s a horrible instruction. Consume it. Rapidly. Then be responsible and drink some water before driving. Safety first.

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Filed under Bourbon, Cake, Chocolate, Drinks, Heavy Cream