Happy Easter, Internet!
You may have asked yourself, “what’s the deal with Easter?”*
It’s a question I didn’t really know the answer to until I saw this messed up bunny.
This holiday is clearly about things that we all thought were safely tucked away (ahem, dead) but sneaky style came back to scare the butts off of us.
It’s about demonic candy.
It’s about ham type substances.
It’s about old dudes in freaky bunny costumes who… want you to look for the eggs they laid? What?!
Ok, so I still don’t get this holiday but there’s pork and weirdly shaped, awesomely fresh Reese’s products*** so I’m down.
When I was a small person, my grandparents would bring giant baskets full of candy and toys every year. I dyed eggs with mom. I didn’t know what ham was or why anyone would eat a meat that was so suspiciously pink but I was full of sugar so ‘dinner’ didn’t matter.
Our traditions of baskets, egg dying and looking at ham all puzzled style have fallen by the wayside. I’m totally supposed to be a grown up or something.
But I realized after Easter ended last year that I missed all of that stuff.
I also realized that it is mad impractical to hand an open basket to someone who isn’t in their home.
So. New traditions.
I’m going to dye eggs with my mom… maybe on Wednesday. It’ll be beautiful.
I made (and hopefully, will continue to make) Easter Sacks for some lady friends.****
Average sack contains assorted cheap ass chocolates, small egg shaped candy coated things and a peep impaled with a pink flamingo drink skewer.
And, yes, that is a Kim Possible (Ron Stoppable) valentine’s day card that I found in my closet when I was looking for the fake grass.
I believe it’s a fitting card for any occasion.
And I will fight you about this belief.
‘Cause KP is too legit to quit.
So is Mojo Jojo… I also had Powerpuff Girl cards.
Anyways. In the spirit of Easter, I went out with Megan last night, gave her a sack, had some drinks, talked to some ladies (who were a little too drunk to be alive… or talking… or maybe just awake), ate chicken, steak and carnitas tacos… and then four donuts.
We did it for the baby Jesus.*****
-Chocolate glazed with rainbow sprinkles (because when you’re drunk or a child, brightly colored things are irresistible)
-That wacky kind that’s covered in crumbs like it belongs to Entenmann’s (next time Safeway has a sale, somebody’s going down a memory lane made of coffee cake) (that somebody will be me)
-A near perfect maple old fashioned
-An awesome glazed donut
All dunked in horrible coffee and eaten surrounded by the random people who show up at a donut place in the middle of the night.
That’s how you make Easter magic, people.
So, this weekend, go buy cheap, scary candy, drink with a friend, stumble over to a taco truck and eat too many donuts. It’s a recipe for success. Until you wake up. Then you will feel sad and gross. But that’s what the holidays are ultimately about anyways. Which means, I nailed it. Woo!
Oh and when you realize there’s too much candy in your house, come back here. Next post: bacon and random candy chunk cookies.
‘Cause it’s good to shake things up with your leftovers.
And bacon shakes real good.******
*Seinfeld voice. Obvi.
**Easter Demon. Like, damn. I’m full of terror. My aura is a quivering pastel cloud of fear.
***My brother once opened a Reese’s peanut butter cup’s wrapper and found mold. Holiday candy matters, kids.
Also, their giant ‘eggs’ are way better than their Christmas trees. Yeah, I said it. Stance= taken.
****And my brother. ‘Cause he loves cadbury cream eggs. Which I don’t get, but ‘follow your bliss’ (Cher voice).
I’m gonna skip the extra sacks for my manfrenjensens. It seems like over-kill.
*****I know Easter isn’t about the baby Jesus. But Ricky Bobby changed the way I think of the lord.
******A bacon shake would be too gross, right?