Monthly Archives: April 2012

Oprah Style

I can’t decide if this post’s title means I’m going to tell you about my favorite things (stop looking under your chair, there will be no giveaways. Despite my childhood beliefs, I’m not actually Oprah) or show you a bag of chips I ate, tell you about my regrets and then get Gayle to feed me salads on a yacht while I nap and Stedman moves my legs.

Maybe there’s something more doable in between. ‘Cause I don’t know Gayle or Stedman and I totally don’t have a yacht. Or know where to find one.

Ok, let’s forget ‘favorite things’ and the fact that my dinner last night consisted of taste testing chips (shut up, it was for science).

Real life things! I got sick again this week. I blame children. They’re always covered in jam and cooties. Mostly cooties.

 These are my favorite hot drinks for my least favorite times. Xiao’s blend from Peet’s (pricey but pretty damn perfect) and homemade ginger tea.

Fresh ginger tea is spicy and amazing and cheap. Peel a hunk of ginger and slice, chop or grate it into a pot, cover with multiple cups of water (about 1 cup water for every inch of ginger- this is a strong ratio and will seriously clear your sinuses), slowly bring to a boil, stock-like, for the most possible flavor, strain into cups with honey and lemon juice and breath in the steam. If you’re really sick throw in a crushed clove of garlic and a 1/2 tsp of cayenne pepper for every 2 cups of water- I start on the weaker end of the ratio with these additions.

When I’m extra lazy I just throw a few slices of ginger in a mug with honey, top it off with hot water and lemon juice. Works in a pinch. The real benefit of making a whole pot of the stuff is that you can just throw more water in once it’s gone and you’ll have a new, slightly weaker batch of tea in twenty minutes and your sick self won’t have to chop or peel again for days.

I’ve also been known to just drink hot water with lemon and honey. ‘Cause of how uncoordinated I get when sick and half asleep. Safety first!

I’m gonna backtrack a bit now.

But Rosie, why would you want to go backward?*

Because hot buttered grits with brown sugar is stupid good.

Are you guys eating grits yet? If you haven’t started yet… maybe you shouldn’t. It’s much harder not to eat grits constantly once you know how good they are.

But surely you’re making sundaes.

 You’d be bananas** not to.

And if you want to skip the scary sugar boiling thing I did last week, you can do what I did this week and make a small batch of Deb’s butterscotch sauce in the microwave. Yeah. I’m gonna tell you about this and trust you not to die immediately. You have self control, right?

You’ll need:

a microwave safe bowl

… a microwave

a spoon for stirring every minute or so

1 tbsp butter

2 tbsps dark brown sugar

2 tbsps heavy cream

a pinch of salt

a scant 1/2 tsp vanilla (sometimes I skip the vanilla and just use bourbon***)

Combine all ingredients except for the vanilla in your bowl, microwave for 3-4 minutes (until it has bubbled a bit and everything’s all copacetical), stopping and stirring every minute, add vanilla, stir, cool slightly and use a ladle to pour it into your face. Or just dump other sundae stuff into that same bowl. Or be nice and share as there should be enough for two. Or do like me and make a mini apple crisp and eat the entire thing in one night with ice cream and this microwavable miracle while sick like a hungry hungry fool.

 This is about 1/3 of said crisp. It had a crunchy oat and pecan laced topping and sweet and sour cinnamon covered fuji and granny smith apples underneath. It was glorious.

Hey. I made apple crisp the last time I was sick too. Weird. I developed a new habit!

You know what else happened the last time I got sick? A wonderful lady brought me bread. The bread she gave me this time had fruits and nuts in it.

 We covered that bread in this glorious stuff. It’s like smushed up marmalade made of ginger and I love it and I’m gonna put it in french toast with something creamy and die of joy.

That’s what’s gonna happen. With mimosas. ‘Cause we’re princesses.

So I guess I sort of do have a Gayle. Now all we need is a yacht.

 

*Does it freak you out how well I know your mind? The answer is yes.

**Yup. Still doing that. Just try and stop me. Because I can’t. Seriously. Help.

***Bourbon is totally my spirit animal.

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Filed under 'Cause I'm A Kid, Bourbon, Breakfast, Drinks, For the Sick, Girly, Heavy Cream, Ice Cream, Melted Butter

Pour It On

I’m having one of those weeks where it seems like I’m spinning in a hamster wheel, trying really hard to go fast and getting absolutely nowhere.

But at least it’s a shiny pastel color.

And there’s Reese’s easter eggs on sale to go with that bag of doritos I called lunch on Tuesday.

All I want today is an avocado. I don’t have the time to make that happen.

So I’m eating a lentil and spinach salad with feta and the last ripe tomato in the house.

But I’m thinking that isn’t going to cover the avocado fat craving… so I’m chasing it with this:

 And a night full of Childish Gambino. Because I’m going to see his face tonight. And it’s going to be magical.

Even if you can’t see Donald Glover, you can make beautiful awesome sugar coma sundaes happen.

I bought ice cream. Like a planner. Who, for now, is done making ice cream.

I made a 1/3 batch of this salted butter caramel sauce.

Make a full batch. You won’t regret it.

Also, burn it just a little. Takes some of the aggressive sweetness away and makes things way more interesting.

Secret: I cheat on the hot fudge front. I just make a tiny amount of ganache in the microwave (gasp) (I know. Sorry, World/Self).

Homemade whipped cream. You could skip it, but why?

It’s not a sundae without a banana. I stand by this. The sketchy cherries are optional, bananas aren’t.

Go nuts!

… I used pecans.

But seriously go bananas (I’m sorry, I’ll stop) with the toppings.

And last but not least don’t bother trying to share. It’s a lost cause.

Now I have to go stand in line to see a beautiful man… along with a bunch of rando hipsters. Wish me luck! Or curse me with jealousy. Whatevs. Eat a sundae!

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Filed under Chocolate, Heavy Cream, Ice Cream, No recipe

To-Do Lists, Bacon Cookies and Why I Shouldn’t Have Internet Access When I’m Sleepy.

I blame Amy Poehler’s face for the lack of check marks on my to-do list.

I make to-do lists for most days right before I go to bed. I often don’t look at my list until half-way through the day because writing it down is usually enough to make the tasks stick in my mind and I don’t want to see that filled sheet of paper until I can cross things off.

I did 3 out of 11 things on my list today.

There will be no gold stars, no rewards* and no pats on the back for me.

There will be punishment in the form of an earlier wake-up time, a new and old mess to deal with (it’s called ‘my home’), a crash course through drafts of an essay, forced creativity and way more thinking and planning than I care to do.

The most time consuming parts of this day’s list will be rolling over to the early hours of tomorrow morning.

Starting with…

 #1: dishes.

Blurg.

#2: Make a birthday cake for a woman I’ve been in awe of since I was five.**

No pressure.

Then from tomorrow’s to-do list: see her! Drink tea! Eat that cake! Or an Entenmann’s cake if things go south.

Then it’s back to real life stuff.

Reader: Rosie, by ‘real life stuff’ do you mean important endeavors like finding more ways to get bacon in you?

Dearest of readers, of course that’s what I mean.

(BTW, each scoop is 1/3 of a cup of bacon-y awesomeness.) (That’s kinda huge.)

By, ‘real life stuff’, I also mean…

#3: Work on getting my unemployed, uninsured self some health care.***

It’s hard to remember to take care of yourself when finding the care you need is a different, more difficult process than just doing a search for people who take your insurance.

I’ve been procrastinating this business for a while.

I don’t like change.

Or most doctors.

Or waiting rooms. Which is gonna be even more of a thing now that I’ll be going to free clinics.

Are you getting why I’ve been putting this off?

#4: Go back to the crazy business of job hunting. I kind of took a break from this one because I secretly sort of went through a whole grieving process when I didn’t get… multiple jobs in a row.

My notes on this: follow up. Like, a million times more than you think you should. You’ll either get seriously considered for a job… or they’ll file a restraining order against you. Either way, you’re making your determined face known and that’s a good thing.****

Even if you don’t get the job(s). Interviews are valuable. A horrible, train wreck of an interview can be really useful… in retrospect. If you don’t get to the interview but managed to convince someone to take your resume, that’s still a win. Those suckers are stuck with the environmental impact of their next actions. You’re scot-free.

Have a party!

Hi, I’m Snowman Ricky! I like to be left out in the cold… unlike those high and mighty unemployed jerks.

Keep on trucking, Ricky.

Oh boy, self.

Sorry, readers.

#5: Run a bunch of errands.

Let’s gloss right over this one.

Errands are old fashioned. Who needs ’em? Not this guy. That’s who.

#6: Research!

I’m looking into another (super secret) field of work.

#7: Lady stuff.

Yay.*****

#8: Back to BACON.

The most important of meats/daily obligations/things to blog about when I should be sleeping.

These cookies happened out of necessity. I had bacon grease and fudge that couldn’t stick around in their current states.

So I smushed them together. And everything was hunky dory.******

Recipe time!

Preheat your oven to 375! Or don’t and freeze balls of cookie dough to be baked some other time. ‘Cause that works with these. But eat some now, jeez.

Cream together:

6 tbsps room temperature butter (I used unsalted, if you want to use salted butter, leave out the salt. Did I hear lightbulbs? No? You guys already knew to do this? Dandy******)

2 tbsps bacon fat (a little bit colder than room temperature)

1/3 cup each dark brown sugar and granulated sugar

1 egg

1 tsp vanilla extract

1 tsp instant espresso powder

Mix in:

1 1/4 cup all purpose flour

1/2 tsp baking soda

1/8 tsp baking powder (for a little extra rise and a slight cakiness- I’m sure you would still get excellent cookies if you chose to leave this out)

A pinch of salt

1 1/2 cups of whatever chunked up candy you want to throw in there.

I split it between rocky road fudge that had gone a bit stale and a big bar of toblerone with a couple tbsps of peanut butter chips to round things out. If you have bacon, please fry up, chop and throw some of that in too.

Scoop out giant rounds of dough, freeze some, bake them all, give them to a neighbor (who’s not Jewish or a vegetarian- unless you’re an ass or it’s consensual) do whatever you need to do to feel right about this as long as you eat them while they’re hot. I mean it, people.

*Today I ate M&M’s with several spoonfuls of peanut butter, a stale peep and some brown rice pudding.

Those were all for sustenance. Nothing rewarding here. Move along, judgers of me.

**Hopefully I’ll also have time to make a card- though the idea of that makes me feel like a tiny, foolish (but thoughtful) child.

***Bacon cookies and health care totally go together, shut up.

****Except restraining orders are bad, don’t get those.

I’m here to provide really basic knowledge and unsolicited, obvious advice.

You’re welcome, stalkers.

*****I watched this lady: http://www.youtube.com/dailygrace

I think that counts.

Mostly because I totes Grace Faced while I wrote that.

******Who says that?

Me, when I’m only awake by the power of an absurd amount of sugar. That’s who.

… Yes this is for both hunky dory and dandy.

God help me if I ever start saying ‘doodle dandy’. Though that seems like it might be fun.

Rabbit hole!

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Filed under Bacon, Candy, Chocolate, Cookies, Lists, Room Temperature Butter, Savory and sweet

Easter Sacks

Happy Easter, Internet!

You may have asked yourself, “what’s the deal with Easter?”*

**

It’s a question I didn’t really know the answer to until I saw this messed up bunny.

This holiday is clearly about things that we all thought were safely tucked away (ahem, dead) but sneaky style came back to scare the butts off of us.

It’s about demonic candy.

It’s about ham type substances.

It’s about old dudes in freaky bunny costumes who… want you to look for the eggs they laid? What?!

Ok, so I still don’t get this holiday but there’s pork and weirdly shaped, awesomely fresh Reese’s products*** so I’m down.

When I was a small person, my grandparents would bring giant baskets full of candy and toys every year. I dyed eggs with mom. I didn’t know what ham was or why anyone would eat a meat that was so suspiciously pink but I was full of sugar so ‘dinner’ didn’t matter.

Our traditions of baskets, egg dying and looking at ham all puzzled style have fallen by the wayside. I’m totally supposed to be a grown up or something.

But I realized after Easter ended last year that I missed all of that stuff.

I also realized that it is mad impractical to hand an open basket to someone who isn’t in their home.

So. New traditions.

I’m going to dye eggs with my mom… maybe on Wednesday. It’ll be beautiful.

I made (and hopefully, will continue to make) Easter Sacks for some lady friends.****

A quality sack for a quality sack… of friendship.

Average sack contains assorted cheap ass chocolates, small egg shaped candy coated things and a peep impaled with a pink flamingo drink skewer.

And, yes, that is a Kim Possible (Ron Stoppable) valentine’s day card that I found in my closet when I was looking for the fake grass.

I believe it’s a fitting card for any occasion.

And I will fight you about this belief.

‘Cause KP is too legit to quit.

So is Mojo Jojo… I also had Powerpuff Girl cards.

And Spider-Man eggs. Which are sketchy. But so are comics. Ha! I slay me.

Anyways. In the spirit of Easter, I went out with Megan last night, gave her a sack, had some drinks, talked to some ladies (who were a little too drunk to be alive… or talking… or maybe just awake), ate chicken, steak and carnitas tacos… and then four donuts.

We did it for the baby Jesus.*****

What kinds of donuts did we have? What a legitimate question!

-Chocolate glazed with rainbow sprinkles (because when you’re drunk or a child, brightly colored things are irresistible)

-That wacky kind that’s covered in crumbs like it belongs to Entenmann’s (next time Safeway has a sale, somebody’s going down a memory lane made of coffee cake) (that somebody will be me)

-A near perfect maple old fashioned

-An awesome glazed donut

All dunked in horrible coffee and eaten surrounded by the random people who show up at a donut place in the middle of the night.

That’s how you make Easter magic, people.

So, this weekend, go buy cheap, scary candy, drink with a friend, stumble over to a taco truck and eat too many donuts. It’s a recipe for success. Until you wake up. Then you will feel sad and gross. But that’s what the holidays are ultimately about anyways. Which means, I nailed it. Woo!

Oh and when you realize there’s too much candy in your house, come back here. Next post: bacon and random candy chunk cookies.

‘Cause it’s good to shake things up with your leftovers.

And bacon shakes real good.******

 

*Seinfeld voice. Obvi.

**Easter Demon. Like, damn. I’m full of terror. My aura is a quivering pastel cloud of fear.

Eep.

***My brother once opened a Reese’s peanut butter cup’s wrapper and found mold. Holiday candy matters, kids.

Also, their giant ‘eggs’ are way better than their Christmas trees. Yeah, I said it. Stance= taken.

****And my brother. ‘Cause he loves cadbury cream eggs. Which I don’t get, but ‘follow your bliss’ (Cher voice).

I’m gonna skip the extra sacks for my manfrenjensens. It seems like over-kill.

*****I know Easter isn’t about the baby Jesus. But Ricky Bobby changed the way I think of the lord.

******A bacon shake would be too gross, right?

 

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Filed under 'Cause I'm A Kid, Candy, No recipe, Spring

Nitty Gritty*

Things got real crazy, people. I went to some things. Did some stuff. Made some friends. Dressed up like a fire chief (made more friends, obvi) and put my best, caffeine fueled foot forward.

Guys, I’m exhausted. Fortunately, things are slowing down. And I’m pumping sugar into my face to keep this shambling body rolling.

Tomorrow I’m gonna go get a donut. And make cracked out easter baskets for my lady friends. Things’ll be peachy! And when folks aren’t looking, I’ll drink a lot of tea and chug potato soup.

‘Cause I’m sick again! Woo!

I earned this sick though. I didn’t sleep proper and I stayed on my feet for way too many hours and collected all of the cooties the world had to offer me.

It was worth it.

‘Cause I got a lot of free pencils. And those scraps of kindling sure do pay the rent.

Heh.

Guess what’s next, you crazy kids.

 JEFF MANGUM.

I’m gonna see his face. No biggie.**

I need to be in fighting shape when I gaze upon his anxiety ridden, Anne Frank boner having self.

Between soup chuggings I’ll be eating serious comfort food. ‘Cause when I’m shy of the level of sick that makes my body reject anything but broth***, I want hot, solid, starchy food. Gotta get through the winter… spring… hard times…?

Is anyone else singing the Good Times theme song? No? Lame.

Hangin’ in a chow line!

Anyways… This is what I’ve been wanting to tell you about.

Grits.

Bacon.

Leeks.

Soft fried egg.

Mustard greens.

Shiiit.

Now this is a rough outline of a recipe. You can do whatever you want with it as long as you make grits. You don’t have to fry garlic in olive oil and butter before pouring water into the pan and setting it to boiling. You don’t need the cayenne or the paprika and you certainly don’t need the creamy goat cheese or half and half. But you need to eat grits. Boiled plain with a pat of butter and a sprinkle of brown sugar**** or with butter and pepper and a swirl of cheddar cheese melting into what I’m sure will be all I eat when my teeth go.

… And now I want grits. I’m gonna go up a pants size convincing you stragglers to come around.

This rough recipe I started to tell you about begins with bacon. As it should. Make as much as you want! Have a party!

If you live across the way from one of these…

… throw some bacon over. Apartment living’s no good for a big dog. Bacon helps.

Sautee a couple of leeks in a little bacon grease. Stop and remove from pan when they’re awesomely caramelized.

In a pot, sautee a clove of garlic (per serving of grits. Read the box. It has wisdom) until golden, add water, bring to a boil and cook grits according to box instructions.

In the bacon-y pan, cook some mustard greens. (Hot pan, fat of some kind, chopped greens, stir, season, add a couple tbsps water, cover and steam for about a minute, remove lid, add lemon juice and be surprised at how bitter mustard greens can be… speaking of which just about any other green would be awesome and less abrasive.)

Start frying your egg and if your grits have thickened up too much (and they probably will) thin them out with a bit of water or cream while heating and stirring.

Add cayenne, paprika, salt, pepper and a hunk of goat cheese to the grits if you’re into that fancy stuff.

Layer a bowl with grits on the bottom, bacon on top, awesome stuff in the middle and greens on the side, just to be safe.

Eat this with a runny yolk. Like someone who’s totally unafraid of that kinda risky business.

Go ahead and make an absurd amount of grits. They solidify in a terrifying way when cooled which means you can cut out chunks and fry them up for crispy awesomeness once you’re hungry again. You won’t regret it. Unless you have a small stomach. In which case, I’m sorry and we can work on this together. And by ‘we’ I mean you and grits. They get it done did.

*I’m sorry Grits, you deserve better.

**I lied. It’s a biggie.*****

***Heh. Butt broth.

****If cream of wheat had balls, it might be close to this.

Oh boy. Um. It’s a lot better than I just made it sound.

*****Biggie Smalls.

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Filed under Bacon, Breakfast, Fried Egg, Green, Grits