Monthly Archives: March 2012

Cake Shake

 Hello! I’ve been gone again for quite a time. What’s with that? Well, I went and visited some lovely friends of mine and was entirely off of the internet place.

But that was only five days.

The rest of the days were… less than inspiring.

That’s my way of saying my cooking consisted of flops.

I was all set to tell you about a pie I made for my mom’s birthday that, though delicious, had pretty much been an emotional sponge. I made it in a disaster of a mopey mood and the custard turned a sad brownish gray and slumped across our plates when it was meant to stand up and hold the imprints of our forks. It made me want to read ‘Like Water For Chocolate’ again.

 And not make pies.

Which is a wrong sort of feeling. Pies are the best.

But that feeling was reinforced when I made a vegan pie for Ginger and wanted a new crust, more apples, a bucket of caramel and a thicker layer of crunchy crumbly cookie gunk to press into the top.

My baking brain never thinks I’ll need very much crumb topping. My baking brain is foolish. Maybe it’s too full of sugar.

 I tried making orangettes. I couldn’t handle the suggested sugar to water ratio so I cut back on the sugar and ended up with overly sweet orange peel mush. I forgot that I was making candy. And that candy is full of sugar. And that I need to get over that.

I made a mess of a soup. I was trying to clean out the fridge and had been curious about the creamless creamy soup idea (where you put bread in broth and blend it). A failed experiment. It’s still loitering in my fridge waiting for someone (ok, me) to grow a set and dump it out.

 I’m full of dread.

I made weird banana pancakes.

I ate day old doughnuts.

Times are rough.

 Ganache tends to fix things.

Did something go wrong with your day? Need to reset? Cleanse?

Juice is dumb. Go get some heavy cream.

 See the cake under that layer of creamy chocolatey magic? Another flop. Perplexingly bland for something with chocolate, stout, homemade vanilla extract, bourbon, sour cream and a good dose of butter. The crumb coulda been better too. Ok, now I’m splitting hairs but it was my time consuming sad sack of a chocolate cake and so I’ll be* a little unreasonable in my complaining. I mean, look at that sexiness. Shoulda been deloicious.

Anyways, all of these kitchen failures were bumming me out a bit. Then I realized this cake was still covered in ganache. And that I had left over heavy cream. And coffee ice cream in the freezer.

I made whipped cream and ate the slice up in that picture but wasn’t entirely satisfied.

Then I remembered the genius of Jessie and the beauty of the cake shake.

I then also remembered that I totally had more bourbon.

And that bourbon is beautiful.

These beauties go together.

 The cake had been for St. Paddy’s day. It’s totally in the Irish spirit to take something mediocre and turn it into a liquid with (more) booze.

I don’t think I need to tell you guys how to make a milkshake. I figure those of you who are in the milkshake** lifestyle have already science-ed your way through this one.

Booze complicates things slightly what with the lack of freezing and all, so if you’re looking for a thick milkshake that requires a hoover for a mouth to get anything up a straw, skip the bourbon and throw in just a little bit of milk in it’s place. And if you want to make a group size version of this (for yourself or an actual group), blend up the ice cream and cake and let people do their own booze-ing to avoid things turning extra liquidy faster. Plus, then those uninterested in the alcohols aren’t left out, you’ll hang on to more of your bourbon and the kids who break into your house to steal desserts won’t accidentally get drunk! Win win win.

Boozy Cake Shake:

3 parts coffee ice cream to 1 part bourbon and 1 part cake covered in ganache.

Leave the cake out till the very end if you want bigger chunks.

Cover in whipped cream.

Inhale.***

*Pandora is playing ‘It’s Getting Hot In Here’. My words brain froze. I had to bust a move. Forgive me.

** I had a ‘milkshave’ typo. I was a little into it.

***Don’t listen to me. That’s a horrible instruction. Consume it. Rapidly. Then be responsible and drink some water before driving. Safety first.

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Filed under Bourbon, Cake, Chocolate, Drinks, Heavy Cream

Like A Lady

Pretend the mint on those hunks of grapefruit are romaine… and larger… and also avocado… and the juice puddle on the plate is secretly grapefruit lime dijon dressing.

Now that mind picture you’re conjuring is totally a Galentine’s Day salad. You nailed it! Good job.

I’m sorry I’ve been away from you, brand new blog/five readers. I still feel pretty terrible. On multiple levels.

I’ve been trying to figure out what I should tell you, Internet. I’m still not quite finished sorting out a particularly disheartening job hunt so that story will have to be for another post. The story of my unrealistic relationship expectations will have to be told… never? Yeah. I think that’s right, ’cause despite the Galentine’s Day post, this blog isn’t going to be about my personal relationships or all my words would be tangled up in family issues and gross romantical woes.*

Yuck.

This thing is supposed to make ya’ll hungry, not queasy.

I can tell you that I’ve been kind of strung along lately and I can feel depression breaking over me like a rushed hollandaise.

(Breakfast is always on my mind, people.)

I’ve been chasing distractions and trying to avoid my life. After tonight’s panic filled, tear covered, breathless bike ride home, I’ve come to the conclusion (again) that this ain’t gonna fly.

I can’t not look for work because rejection triggers my crazy. Excuses are lame. Dawdling is silly.

So tomorrow will involve banana cream pie for my mom, a bike ride that I get to choose**, actual cover letter writing, a couple of phone calls that will hopefully grant me a little closure*** and some unpleasant re-evaluation of my (lack of) coping methods.

Woo!

I’m gonna focus on the pie.

‘Cause that stuff is deloicious.****

Do you need a cocktail after that hot mess of words I just flung at you? I do.

I saw this recipe on a lovely blog written by the other (not Ron) Swanson.

 Quick!

Go massacre some blood and cara cara oranges.

And make rosemary syrup!

Combine in a saucepan (or cheat and microwave):

1/2 cup water

1/4 cup turbinado sugar (you can use any sugar you have around as long as it’s not powdered)

1 sprig’s worth of rosemary leaves

Cook until sugar dissolves.

Leave the rosemary in for at least ten minutes, then strain it if you’re afraid of over-steeping. I left the leaves in and things turned out just awesome.

For each drink:

Fill a glass with as much ice as you’re into.

Add equal parts gin and (blood orange) juice*****… and tonic water. Throw in 1 tsp rosemary syrup to start. Stir. Guzzle. Fine tune your ratio on the second drink. Unless it needs more gin on the first go round. See to that immediately.******

 You’re gonna need a snack to go with this. ‘Cause without something salty, you have less of an excuse to keep drinking. I’m just looking out for your best interests. You don’t want that gin to go stale. That’s a thing, right?

On Galentine’s I toasted up some pumpkin seeds with spices and such to go on our lady salad. And they made it to the salad. But I just wanted to eat them by the fistful. From my fist. While holding a brightly colored cocktail in my other hand with my pinky fully extended to make me feel slightly civilized.

In a dry skillet over medium heat, toast 1/2 cup raw, unsalted pumpkin seeds for 3-5 minutes, watching and stirring, until they get a little color and smell like a thing you would hide in your cheeks… if you were a hamster.*******

Add in 1/4 tsp each ground cumin and smoked paprika.

Stir and let spices toast for, like, 30 seconds before adding 1/2 tbsp butter a pinch of salt and 2 tsps brown sugar.

Stir and cook for a minute or 2.

Let cool- or don’t.

Try to share.

Especially if you end up doubling the recipe, which should be very easy and definitely worth it.

 I want a granola bar that tastes like this. Damn my hippy instincts.

*It would turn into a blog about Donald Glover’s face. And that’s what Tumblr is for.

**Non-Consensual Bike Ride is the name of my ____ cover band.

Fill it in, peeps.

I’m sorry I said ‘peeps’. I haven’t even been drinking. I’m just emotionally and physically exhausted.

***And with closure comes more posts! Try to contain your excitement.

****Jean-Ralphio

*****… laid back, with my mind on my money and my money on my mind…

Yeah, that was just to amuse myself.

I mean, that was super relevant and necessary to this post/your day.

******I’m assuming you also had a bad day.

Um. Drink responsibly?

*******I don’t care for hamsters. The only one’s I ever knew lived with my aunt and kept me awake when I stayed over. Also they get to run around in fancy colored balls (of plastic. God, don’t be gross). Where’s my ball? Jerk hamsters.

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Filed under Drinks, Girly, Grapefruit, Oranges, Savory and sweet, Seeds